| --- the magnetic fields in montreal --- |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|02:36 pm] |
i have been waiting six years for this moment.
the magnetic fields will be playing in the exact same interval where i will be in montreal between latin america and europe: saturday, february 6th, 2010
the lord loves in mysterious ways.
i am listening to them all day in celebration.
i just cant express how much this concert means to me.
they are the only band, besides fugazi, that i have traveled outside of canada just to see them live.
"cause I don't want to get over love.
I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
and not have to dream of what I dream of"
i've already told chris that i am sitting alone and haven't even told hajra about the concert... yet.
it doesn't matter because on the 6th of february it will be just me and stephen merritt.
me alone with no distractions.
(!SWOON!)
god bless america. |
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| growth |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|03:50 pm] |
a lot of the time we fall in love with what is probably not good for us.
we desire what isn't good for a healthy growth.
and then, sometimes, we fight the goodness that comes into our lives.
we fight it so much that we exhaust ourselves instead of submitting and being grateful.
the day i finally rest is when i stop desiring what i know isn't good for me but start appreciating what loves me best.
and embrace what was there all along. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|03:33 am] |
i really miss those days when people would leave awesome messages on each others entries. i feel l'm talking to myself cause i dont think anyone reads this thing... those friendster and livejournal days were nice.
i cant sleep.
or at least i dont want to. |
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| my sweetheart(s) |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|02:46 am] |
on the left is the love of my hajra AKA haji-hots AKA delicious and on the right is her sister sarah.
i think they're on someone's bed in the sub-burbs of chicago.
this is ABCD love at its finest. these are the other two loves of my life...
me with no beard and little hair.
this picture scared hajra a bit.
she likes the beard.
a lot.
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| change the future |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|02:24 am] |
one of the happiest moments of my life...
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|01:55 am] |
Cinema. in it’s grain, in it’s exposure, within it’s influence, I continue to move forward. How it can touch and steal your heart into a world of possibilities, into a place that I’m still discovering. I wonder where it’ going to take me next as I stretch myself into places that I’ve avoided in order to stay strong.
To progress and never regress into a place that can causes me and another harm.
To document what I’ve always meant to be a kind of truth that stays with you, that remains close to your achievements and dreams.
In six weeks I leave for Chile to continue a film that has kept me up at nights, a story that I continue to feel the need to be told. With hard nights and anxious mornings, underneath my accelerated heart I breathe softly. Through my nose and into the core of where I need to be. Centered and true myself, one breath in for myself and the other out for my work. Strong, I will cut through the leaves and veins of what’s mind, so that I can hand it to you and do what you can. |
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| to ari |
[Oct. 5th, 2009|01:53 am] |
hey ari,
its 1:30am and i just got back from a long toronto drive home.
i really appreciate your words of support.
this was another tough tough weekend of shooting. somethings were controlled bits of beauty, like a magic trick, and others were just hard.
me and my sisters had a bit of a blow out in the basement of paulina's home... but it ended on good terms and with love. an understanding. paulina, and sometimes daniella, just don't want to do it. but they do it for me. because they support and i truly love them for it.
they are in the film for me. so in a way, i feel self-fish asking them to participate. in any case, i always seem to either freak or tense up with anxiety at the idea of asking anyone in my family to participate, except my father.
i remember before people would tell us, "i don't know how you could do this. i just dont know how you go through with this."
well, its starting to catch up to me, and between producing, directing and being in this fucker... i am starting to loose sight of the film's importance. especially when i feel like i am stressing out or upsetting my family with the longevity of its shooting schedule.
things are moving along though. there's a story here. it's just a matter of putting it all together.
every time i go for a shoot i feel like i am going under water for the duration of that time, holding my breathe. i have moments where i'm drowning and some how, i find the oxygen to continue. its only when i feel the awful highways of quebec beneath me that i start to slowly come up for air. i move closer to the surface and when i enter my home, i can finally breathe. finally. i feel lighter.
even here at home, where i'm not under water, i'm swimming hard
some where to rest.
most days i don't know where i am at with this film because i don't have a point of reference, while i tread for something to hang on to.
reading your email felt like a momentary compass or 10 minutes of a life-raft rental.
for that short bit, i felt good.
thank you.
even if your words were lies, i would still feel so good reading them.
yes, please.
lets get together for some tea this week.
i would love to hear more of your thoughts.
its 1:40am and i just got back from a long drive.
its been a long weekend.
much love,
carlo |
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| shooting |
[Oct. 3rd, 2009|08:22 am] |
right now, ben and pablo are filming my father and mother speaking with each other on SKYPE.
its been a long haul with this film.
since may of 2007.
it feels like i've been making it my entire life on morning like this.
woke up at 7am thinking immediately of ways to better the picture and sound. here i wait by the computer for ben to pass me a P2 card so that I can down load it onto the computer.
now in the bathroom alone, taking a crap, these are the only times that one spends alone during a shoot. its nice here. the idea that both parents are on opposite sides of ameircas is comforting. they fight. about stupid things. all of it, the root of it all, is from a profound insecurity, based on fear. but things are going well.
i'm pleased with how the film is going and proudly content with life.
i've been feeling anxious for the past month or so because of certain events and the people that surround me. but i'm happy. i chose this and feel content on the decisions i've made. of course at times i daydream of what could have been of my life i would have chosen this path or that but here i am. sitting on a toilet in my parents bathroom staring out at the city.
we'll these how this fucker turns out.
i am optimisitc.
the first leg is over.
time to shoot a little son and mother time.
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| SODEC and ABCD |
[Sep. 30th, 2009|08:27 am] |
this morning i am going to le SODEC to sign some final papers, cofirming their investment not grant, in my film. working with SODEC so far has been such a wonderful experience. i've had the opportunity to receive help from their young creators program which has resulted in a lot of assitance from other arts financial gurus to help make sense of thisall, along with the big bucks they are putting into the production. my girlfriend is also doing very well in her art practice. we both seem to be moving in a direction with our work that we very soon might be able to call ourselves successful. but my head seems always down and working away. pushing and shoving myself to the next shoot. trying to see if there is a boundry and space within this documentary that i haven't discovered.
ben and dan, my more then brothers partnership, is something that i can't even imagine tackling this film without. our three polar opposits approach to not just filmmaking but how we see the world, has made the their involvement in the process all that much richer and stronger. it's made me stronger. any success or celebrations that i will ever have with this film will be due to our undying support and love for each other. the amount of care, support and loyalty with have for each other is probably the most beautiful relationship i have ever been in.
abcd for life. |
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| kind words from the past |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|06:16 pm] |
i was at the concordia coop health food store FRIGO VERT today and as i was looking for some soap this girl asked me "were you the cook at MOTHER HUBBARDS CUPBOARD a couple of years ago?" MH was a PWYC (suggested $2) three course vegan meal that i prepared and served to the public (mostly students) at the multi-faith chaplancy every thursday afternoon while i was at film school. because of its popularity, the numbers grew to almost 150 people weekly from the usual 40 to 50. smiling at these two strangers, proudly and modestly i replied "yeah, i was." she started to tell me how much her and the guy she was with miss my cooking. "the cook now is okay but back then..." having already had a day of appreciation for the good things in my life, i became even more taken back by how she went with such kindness in her sincerity. i thanked her for the lovely words and told her about my experience as the kitchen coordinator at santropol. as ended our interaction she finished by saying "we all still talk about those days. it was so good. getting a like gourmet meal for just two dollars. we all miss it a lot."
i walked out of there in surprised in awe, how much my two school years at MoHubbs touched people.
they appreciated it just as i would if someone was doing the same for me.
food is a beautiful thing. |
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| you don't need to be gay to be my friend |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|08:01 pm] |
today marks four and a half years in montreal. as my pillow. as my home.
being a slightly big-ass sensitive hetero and finding a sensitive man-friend in toronto was a hard feat to say the least. i grew to hate "male" energy and everything attached to it. while living in the big smoke, it was easy to find someone that was always too nervous to bump and grind with unless they were drunk.
saying all french people are fags is a stretch but indeed a bit more free and sensitive to being themselves then the heteros i knew and know in the T DOT. (in the toronto queer punk community, amongst friends, being free was a rule.) i always found myself in spaces like BIG PRIMPIN or the VAZELEEN where i could be and be and be and be and be something that resembled myself. i guess that's why in toronto i was always drawn to queer punk culture. it was open and shameless and so was i. it didn't pretend to be something that it wasn't... most of the times. from friends who would nervously put on drunken impromptu comical gay private puppet shows about aids on a WARDS ISLAND living room floor with pillows or dancing hard with a lot hips for a very long time in a room where i felt more comfortable then in my own bedroom... always felt like home.
but here. montreal. the city i love like an asshole brother who drives like an idiot and won't talk to me because i'm not cool enough to know french but loves me for who i am, is a home. home to a healthy group of hetero/queer brothers who i can love with adoration and affection. who i can hug and hold and give a kiss and not be afraid that they're going to call me a !faggot! with venom in their spit or passively boil gay-hatting brain splatter on my cock.
love can be pretty fucking great when you can be yourself.
---
on another note...
here: http://www.thehandshake.org/reggeatonana.mp3 :is a song i made for my mother's birthday w/ my hetero BF and real life GF. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2009|10:57 pm] |
breathe slow.
spit even harder.
my lap is hot.
my balls are getting cancerous.
hand me this.
"nothing is getting done and time is moving too fast."
on an another and on the same...
my lap just got a facebook account.
my wall is on fire and i have more messages then friends.
bore bore bore.
my
core core core.
to our
lord lord lord.
on my
for for for. |
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| serbia: a letter to mariya |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|07:43 pm] |
i thought you were being obscure.
that ten grand was spent in chile.
chilly.
rilly.
killy.
milly.
frilly.
hillbilly.
i was kidding about the serbian food. i know that
about you. i know that about you and your family.i
know that you. i knew that it was you about you. i
know that about you. and i know that about
serbians. my father is in business with a man from
serbia and his wife. theyre in the documentary. well,
at least he is:
(insert link here)
the first one is a trailer that we filmed in toronto
during christmas and the second is a sequence that i
put together to see how the footage looks. its not the
film but in that footage you will see serbia.
or a representation of it in form of a man that drives
and fixes trucks.
move it,
carlo |
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| almost more: a letter to alden |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|07:41 pm] |
alden,
thinking about you. listening to these two tracks you
sent me and i want more. going for a !DRINK! with
jeana and mitch.
i want to drive somewhere. go somewhere.
i think we should drive east.
rent a car and go east... is that wise?
something like a phenomenas or road trip.
skip all this and go onto the next.
with jobs caressed ready to go on
and through another mop
not another drop
six cops talk at beri-uqam and the "bitch" that never
takes a shower.
i went to two banks today and they treated me very
well.
how was your day.
today.
how was your day.
two=day.
much love,
carlo |
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| In Buenos Aires |
[Mar. 24th, 2008|06:03 pm] |
so after the three week shoot of EL HUASO i decided that it would be a good idea to spend time in one of the few big cities i love. i´m staying with my friend MARGARITA who i met about four years ago in southern PERU where she was travelling with her father.
a very gifted photographer, these are pictures she´s taken since my arrival.
1) when i arrived the other day it was humid and you could feel a storm was in the air.
MARGA and i grabbed some bikes and chased it.
2) after an hour in the market the fucker dropped. hot as sin we peddled through her neighbourhood having a gay ol´ time.
3) easter day we had this wondering dinner at MARGA´s grandmother´s house. the food was incredible. after the feast MARAGA, JOAQUIN (her brother) and i went to his place, an old rubber factory converted into an artist CO-OP.
4) here i am with JOAQUIN talking about something i don´t really remember.
looks important.
5) BUENOS AIRES was the first city in latin america to have a subway. this is one of the first carts in it´s existence.
6) JOAQUIN and i at the last stop.
7)when we arrived at JOAQUIN´s place we decided to go on a rubber factory safari. everyone armed with their camera we explored places that MARGA hadn´t even seen.
8)the place was full of these little corners with pretty old machines
turn after turn, all these incredible textures.
15) the light that was bleeding into this building was consistently blowing my mind.
9)
me inside looking at one of the rooms the size of an airplane hanger.
10) on the roof of the building eating a dried plum.
11) JOAQUIN and i examining our images from the safari.
12)me spitting out a plum pit.
13) me looking at my pictures.
14) sunset on the roof of the artist CO-OP
16) me again.
 |
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| summertime |
[Feb. 1st, 2008|09:33 am] |
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"two miles an hour, so everybody sees you." |
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| HOLDING PATTERN versus BLUE LIGHT BLOCKADE |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|12:15 pm] |
evan,
i'm sorry to say but BLUE LIGHT BLOCKADE was a far far
far superior band than HOLDING PATTERN.
i would have to say that if it was in percentage of
the best work you've ever done as a musician it would
go something like this:
1) ROCKETS RED GLARE - 96.7%
people are going to look back on this and realize that
they made a mistake in ignoring it. not championing it
and giving you guys a proper home.
live you guys were better than any band in toronto at
the time.
2) BLUE LIGHT BLOCKADE - 92.4%
seriously evan, have you heard lately those recordings you
guys did? they're fucking amazing. truly amazing
work. better than 1/3 of my music collection.
i'm not fucking around. it has an energy that is
missing in music today.
do you have the dats still?
could you get that mix and mastered.
i would put it out with you just to get that shit out
and documented. seriously. holy fuck. im listening to
it now and it's just blowing my fucking mind.
3) Blake - 88.7%
you would have received a higher score if you guys
would have quit after the A SIDE of the split 12" :-)
of course at the time, because i was your biggest fan,
i would have said something to effect..."FUCK YOU!
DONT QUIT!!! WHAT? YOU A FUCKING QUITER!?!?!?!
YOU FUCKING QUITERS!!!!!!!
but now... objectively. a side takes the cake.
4) Holding Pattern - 85.6%
you would have scored higher if you never let lee
sing. (i love you lee.)
4) Mr. Penny records - 78.8%
Mr. Penny live - 82.6%
5) Psycho Canucks - 71.2%
most of that score has to do with two thing
1) "like fugazi i'm in on the killer taker. breaker.
here comes the taker. BOOM!" and because of the size
of your balls when you were doing that project.
I
W
A
N
T
Y
O
U
I
N
M
O
N
T
R
E
A
L
!
!
!
last night i had dinner at my friend alden's,
who i think you know from the UNICORNS or maybe not.
the music he's making right now is really exciting.
but brendan, victoria's friend was there. he who was
in "LES ANGLE LE MORT". anyways, we were talking how
amazing of a musician you were. brendan said that people would kill to be in a band with in montreal because of what you did in ROCKETS RED GLARE.
i think if you move to montreal you SHOULD start a band.
and if you want to be in one with me i will say HELL YES!
and if not, i still think you need to be in a band because it's
bullshit you're not creating music and sharing it with the world.
BLB forever.
love,
carlo |
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